Lesson

The  pace of study and research was particularly swift today. I found myself often getting frustrated, upset and ready to unload on the spouse as soon as I got home. Then I remembered a few key pieces of advice that I gave myself after being brow beaten by someone who was getting their lumps from someone else.

First, no matter how badly someone behaves in your company, whether the behaviour is directed at you or something else, you don't need to emulate that behaviour and pass on the ignorance, bitterness or violence. Except in the case of criminal behaviour, like an assault, it is very liberating to realize that the episode, by and large, is their problem, not yours. Second, if you have been abused by a partner, parent, sibling, whoever, you do not have a free pass to repeat the those actions at the expense of someone else. Third, if you have a history of hurt, betrayal abuse, it is incumbent upon you to 1) get away from the person or people who are hurting you, if you have the power to do so, 2) resolve to heal and work through the anger, fear or grief, and 3) learn to live with confidence, not in a fool-hardy manner, but as a person who is aware that to live means to take the risk of hurting others and being hurt again. As a sub-clause to point 3), this means that the inadvertent gift that abuse has given you is the gift of awareness; with sufficient self awareness, you can see warning signs if you find yourself attracted to narcissistic and/or potentially violent people or walking without awareness of your surroundings.

There must have been a time when riding on a train was simply that. Today, impromptu business meetings are conducted, reports are read or written, conference calls are conducted, and so on. When did we lose the ability to disengage from business, to enjoy a voyage as a voyage? The cost of living is not escalating in the first world, but the cost of time remains high.
Sadly, even with the pressure of deadlines, high expectations and a larger volume of work, I notice self-sabotage occurs. I long for time on a river or lake, but instead, my free time is occupied with passive pursuits: watching on-line videos, playing computer games, reading news feeds. I expect that I should remain up to date with all that occurs on my little myopic planet without permission to take a break. There must be a better, more conscientious way to produce work, to live.